“Main fir se nikloonga talash-e-zindagi mein,
Dua karna iss baar kisi se ishq na ho… “
They say that getting a kick in love is one of the biggest pain and an experience for lifetime. Sadly for me, I have gone through such an experience in last few days. Trust me it is indeed a great pain. Pain which makes you angry, annoyed, envious, devastated, looser and to an extent gives a feeling of vengeance. One needs to have great emotional support, understanding and be able to control the emotions when there is no ray of hope.
We met in the office, went for few walks after office, had talks, travelled together and developed a liking for each other. I never had this feel of being in love before and thus was unique experience. Slowly and slowly we knew that we were in love. None of us proposed but it was an inner call from heart that we were made for each other. She was really happy as she has always been restricted to her community. After meeting me she developed a new perspective about life and was looking at life with new angle. She uses to say that she has never thought the way she was looking at world now. We discussed a lot on varying topics, debated and at the same time used sense of humour to perfection. Her friends also said that we never believed that she will change like this and they were all happy for us. We spent some quality time together and with her on my side everything looked so sweet and cosy. Our intimacy was fantabulous. We could understand each other’s mind without uttering a word. There was fun, humour, dates, gifts (materialistic and non materialistic) and many emotions which can be understood by the one who have been in true love. I penned many poems for her and she was touched by that expression of love.
Meanwhile, I decided to join forces and thus our office time came to an end. Now we knew that it will be tough to maintain a distance relationship but by that time we have developed such a great bonding between us that this distance time came and went without causing any problems in our relationship. She attended my PoP with her father and it was a sort of culmination of our relationship. We were extremely hopeful of getting settled for life long after her father accompanied her to my PoP. My family and her father got a chance to interact and know each other. But you can never be sure of her father’s mind and thoughts.
The beauty of our relationship was that it was only based on trust, mutual respect, emotional bonding, love and emotional connect. There was nothing which we forced upon each other and thus people may say it to be an ideal love story where everything was built by taking “conscious effort”. There existed an unconditional love between us and perhaps the biggest bonding factor between us.
Perhaps every love story has to go with hiccups and you just need to stand together during difficult time and you will sail through. In our love story this happened many times and we were able to sustain our relationship in difficult times. Then our dream came true when her parents agreed to our relationship without bothering about my birth stars. But I was not ecstatic when she broke this news to me. This was probably because somewhere in my mind i had developed this feel that our relationship will not end with us settling together due to constant NO from her parents. Slowly and slowly feeling started sinking and i was happy from inside that the dreams which we have shared and seen together is about to come true. She always told me that she worries about her parents considering their unhealthy relationship and finances. The problem was that for every bad things/ situation her parents will have arguments which will start from one track and will always end on her being in relationship with me. No matter how much effort she took to pacify her parents, she was alone and there was no one to whom she can share what she felt like and was pissed off at home. Her parents were never willing to lend her patient ears to listen to her concerns and her point of view. Invariably, she would be blamed for every mess. I knew her mental state and was always bothered about her state. I tried to make her calm and by not talking sensitive issues when she is really down. I would try to pacify her by cracking jokes and making fun of her or myself.
In a distance relationship, you often feel that the flame is waning and you start taking each other for granted. This happened to us but we knew that whenever we meet the flame rekindles and our attraction enhances with every meeting after long breaks. There was no break in communication as we use to talk daily on phone and occasionally on video chat. So there was no great trouble. She was never able to pay visit to me due to her commitments. So, I ll have to wait for my leave to go and meet her. I was due to meet her in October/ November and both of us were excited to spend some quality time together after long.
I tried to sort her problems and told her to talk to her parents on the issue bothering her before she settles down with me. She gave me call one day that finally she will talk to her parents. I was happy and eager to know the outcome. The outcome of her discussion left me speechless and felt as if something has pierced my heart. She called me and says “I spoke to my parents and sorry but our relationship is not in accordance with my priorities.” She cut the phone and for the first time, I noticed word “MY” rather than “OUR” in her talk. The next day, I waited for her call. She called me a day later and says that “My Wedding has been fixed.” I was devastated. Four years of relationship was sinking like titanic. I was helpless and angry considering that she took the decision which was affecting both of us without even consulting me once. She herself sealed the fate of our relationship within 72 hours. I had a feel that this might be a forced/coerced or circumstantial decision. I wanted to speak to her but that was getting futile with she just not ready to give me patience hearing.
I wanted to listen to her point of view on the decision she has taken but every effort taken by me was getting into drains. I thought of taking some help from common friends. It was here champ came as help but she was reluctant to discuss the matter which was “already closed.” I went to her best buddy HG and Rits. Rits was sympathetic with me and told that he too was shocked but expressed his inability to tell her to reconsider the decision but he spoke positively which was a soother for me. I spoke to HG. I have only heard about HG being very understanding and candid to her. I asked him and he says it’s time to Move On dude. The decision she has taken is a deliberate one and as per her choice. There has been no parental pressure directly or indirectly. She has thought of all options and then zeroed to this guy some time back itself. I was shocked as she has never told me anything related to this. But conclusion that HG gave me was that she is extremely happy for her parents and that is more than enough for her so you can bid adieu.
I was disappointed and feeling cheated if she decided it a month back or so. Then, I called up her parents and they told new story. Her father says that I was always against her getting married out of caste and to the one with whom kundli doesnt matches. I asked him then why they said yes initially. He says that I said yes conditional to horoscope matching. It was a fact that our horoscope was not going to match. Then he says that they have told all this to her beforehand and are not aware if she hasn’t conveyed the same to me. I tried to convince and counter their points but everything stopped at kundli and the fact me being North Indian and not of their caste. But that was a fact right from the time they knew about our relationship. They played a see-saw game with us with first saying yes and retracting. This has happened before. It was mainly due to the society which they live in. A society where caste holds the top priority. I was not able to believe as they say that I had an affair before also as per their Maharaj. According to him, I will have an affair again after my marriage and that there was no solution for it as well. However, I know that it was wrong. Her father played emotional trick saying that he will kill himself if i try to pressurise her. I had all my hopes pinned on her but she again said that she won’t reconsider her decision. The colleagues at my work place came to know about it but were amazed with no expression on my face regarding the happenings in relationship. I always believed in not mixing professional and personal life. But they decided to send me on leave asap to settle the case. They gave many options right from running away to convincing parents. My boss even came to my room a day before i was leaving and told me to tell her parents that despite all 32 gunas matching of Ram and Sita, they had such a troubled life. And every problem which is in kundli has solutions. But all these things required that she must stand with me or it will amount to me making fool of myself. As it is her parents always felt that I was putting pressure on her to marry and that she was not interested. I consoled myself and didnt spoke to her for few days. But those were the extremely painful days for me. I continuously thought over it and about her. Some where my heart was not willing to believe that it was a wise and her decision. It has been circumstantial decision. Love often passes through this phase when things will not work out and it is during that time you need to hold hands together and fight the situation. It was appearing that our love was a peace time activity and as soon as there was trouble we were letting of our relation which was built on emotions go very easily. I decided to convince her and then fight the situation and to any level. I tried to give her the confidence that even if all go against her; I will be standing with her always.
Meanwhile, champ also reached my place and he asked whether I truly love her or it is a mere reaction to situation. Do i truly consider her as one made for me and can i go any distance to be with her? After getting affirmative replies on all, he told me to fight it out till all is not over. So that you will never regret in life that you never tried to get back your love. With this as motivation, I tried convincing her and at times forcing her to reconsider the decision. I tried to make her realize that the decision she has taken might be in interest of everyone but definitely not her. She may get short term happiness of others but in process may lose her happiness for lifetime. No matter what she does her parents will have issues between them till the time they start respecting each other. The environment might be very good at her place ever since she said yes to this guy from her caste but I wanted her to listen to her heart. But she has closed the window to listen to her heart and she was trying to become a sacrificial lamb to sacrifice everything for other. It is commendable on part of daughter but was it too drastic step if she reconsiders and we try to convince her parents? I tried to assure her that all issues can still be resolved and it is just not too late. I approached couple of Mastek colleagues but they were also unable to help. Champ tried to get into the problem at her end but she never told anything. Whenever, i spoke to her she gave me impression that she is very happy and enjoying the time with her fiancé. She told me to move ahead and forget her. Though i knew she was pretending as i knew her better than she knows herself. I can say with confidence that i know her better than her parents and loving sister. She has shared her heart only with me and it is only for her parent wishes that she was murdering her happiness. I started getting pissed on her being so stubborn. I wanted to call her fiancé and tell him everything. I wanted to use harsh words for her parents. I wanted to do false propaganda against her. I wanted to runaway with her. I consider myself lucky that all these thoughts which were possibilities but i never took a single step towards vengeance through which i was going through. I knew that any such action will bring sorrow to her and that was the last thing i wanted. No matter if she said that she has ditched me but i never believed her. I knew my feelings were right and her were fabricated for reasons only known to her. Then, i called her sister and tried to let her know what i was going through and felt like. She as a very good sister supported her decision and told me to Move On. You are her past and she is very happy in present. She told that she has told each and everything about me to her fiancé and he is ok with it. Once while conversation, she told me that she never said yes directly and i conveyed the same to her sister. Her sister said that all in family asked her again and again about the decision and that she has taken it deliberately. And Moreover, nothing can be done as it is too late. Now everyone in caste is aware about it so forget her. I again called up HG and he says that i will not ask her to reconsider the decision and I will support her and will request you to Move On. It is also not practical as her marriage date is fixed and everyone in caste knows about it. If she retracts then it will bring bad name for her family in caste. I asked him to tell me- whether her life and happiness is important or talk in caste is important. He says he supports her and will support in any decision taken by her.
HG said that she has given serious thoughts to marriage after her parents agreed and after that she worked on her priorities and took this decision as best available to her. She has decided and that shifting her base from Mumbai was not agreeable to her. I was annoyed as she always knew if she has to come with me then she will have to relocate herself as my employment is such. I just didn’t like the message HG tried to convey me.
I always hated this caste and more so since i came in relationship with her. But the point is whether it advisable to ruin your life for what third people will say or wasn’t it time to realize that it isn’t too late. I even say that it is not too late now either but won’t say this to her. I told her that we can run and do court marriage in Pune as the application for same was forwarded earlier by one of my seniors. All efforts were futile and I realized that she is stern and if i put pressure on her and try to get her back then she might not be the same girl i loved. She might become even more calculative. If I force her to change the decision for my sake then love in our life will be lost.
All this while my family, friends, cousins were standing as a rock to help me in every possible way. They knew i was never like this and probably i was madly in love. My mother said that she also felt bad as she believed that she will be part of our family soon. Everyone was open to my relationship and has developed affinity for her. But despite repeated attempts no success came in my way. The poems, stories, movies, songs and novels guided me. I thank Ravinder Singh for writing such a heart wrenching stories “I too had a love story…” and “Can love happen twice…”. I would like her to read it once too.
Then I went to previous conversations with her and realized that she was never sure of marrying me. She always had doubts. After her parents said yes she became even more calculative and started putting conditions before our love. I remember she told me once that if we are not married then i will marry this guy as he fulfils and meets all my conditions. This was told more than 6 months back. I wondered if she always doubted our relationship. One day, I asked her to think from her heart and only herself. She didn’t want to do that also and said that even if she wished she can’t change her decision as whole caste is aware now. She said that it was her decision and she has taken after due deliberation and is happy for everyone. It appeared that when she took this decision, both of us were in love with the same person. I was in love with her and she loved herself. Her caste, her religion, her priorities, her life, her job, her family and “unconditional love” which was foundation of our relationship ceased to exist.
But it still remains mixed feeling as my heart still says that she will come back and brain says that it’s all over. It’s all over coz she was never sure of marrying me and that conditional love was not the basis and never possible in our case. The only thread which linked us was our bonding of unconditional love. If love comes with “Conditions Apply” scenario then it is similar to mutual fund investment where one must read the offer documents beforehand. In my case, I should have looked for horoscope matching, caste, her priorities, concerns and then fell in love!
Slowly and slowly, I forced myself to realize that she has taken her decision keeping all her interests in mind and I must respect her. It is not that I was in love with her and should expect the same in return. Love is always unconditional. You put conditions and it becomes compromise. And this is beauty of relationship before marriage that even if you have committed once, you can pull whenever you feel like which is not the case otherwise. I have pride in my relationship and manner in which I tried to live it. I might not have been perfect but my intent was always true and pure. I can tell everyone from bottom of my heart that it was one of the most pious love stories. It is my nature that I do everything with intensity and passionately. I loved her with the same passion and intensity. I still love her and will continue to love her always. She will always have a very special place in my heart. It was she who gave my first ever experience of being in love. The memories are so sweet. I have learnt the value of people who are with you. If you don’t express yourself you are bound to lose them. I have become more expressive in my feelings. I realized that I too can be romantic. She was pillar during my training days. The person who gave me so many things has full right to think about herself and decide her future. Now, I don’t have that authority/ possessiveness to mould her thought to take a stand and be back with me. This is only thing i have lost- authority over her. Rest everything is with me. Her memories will always linger and I will never be ashamed of having failed in my love story. I am a soldier and we keep that attitude and dignity even in loss. That is my conviction and belief.
The only thing which probably I regret is that despite being so intense in relationship, I just failed to give her confidence that all her concern is mine too and will leave no stone unturned to address her concerns. Perhaps, it was a failure which tore the relationship apart. I couldn’t satisfy her concerns and may have turned blind eye to them. And that she never gave me that second chance which I so very badly wanted to make her mine. Life is cruel. You will not get second chance always and this fact keeps me haunting now. A lesson for lifetime as well!!
Today, also when I pray to God, I ask for her happiness and for me I ask only her!
I still dream and believe that one fine day she will realize what her heart wants and what does she in reality wants- free from all worries and circumstances and will be back in my arms. I will wait for her till the time it is all over…..
May be with time everything will settle down but not in near future. Life would have been amazing with her being around ……. and still it can be but is that just being too optimistic…..?????
“Waise to teri Naa mein bhi maine dhoondh li apni khushi,
Tu jo haan kehti to baat hoti aur bhi haseen….”
Nanhe Nawab 